
Class r$S i"OB 



CopyiigMl 



JO 



CCPXRIGHT DEPOSm 



THE BISKITS 
ARE GONE 









LOUIS E. BROWNING 
LOWRY CITY, MO. 



THE BISKITS ARE 
GONE 

fay 



LOUIS E. BROWNING 
lowry'city, mo. 









COPYRIGHT 1917 

BY 

LOUIS E. BROWNING 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



©CU4.'f?-74 
NOV 26 1917 






-3L 



n-- 



PREFACE. 

This book is a originality. 

Based upon the actual experiences that the writer has 
had. Not altogether fiction if you could see the writer 
and talk to him you would undoubtedly be convinced. 

LOUIS E. BROWNING, 

Lowry City, Mo., 

Author. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE. 

On my trip to the west^ I got within a few miles of 
Fort Scott, Kansas, I jumped out of the covered wagon, 
and said to the man by the side of the road. Where is the 
state line ? He said back there about a quarter of a mile. 
I went back and said> Pa, the biskits are gone. He said get 
in this wagon! I said Pa the biskits are gone, he said 
get in this wagon, I got in that wagon, I said Pa you have 
been misinformed by the Capitalist Papers, as to the wheat 
industry of Kansas. I expected to find biskits strewn 
along the State Line, of course I wuz young that is not 
old, very young, so you see pa's experience wuz also. We 
went and got to Fort Scott at last it is a magnificent little 
town, especially some features there. The streets took 
pa's eye I think both eyes, as to the diamond shaped 
streets. And when we arrived proper Pa jumped out of 
the wagon, bought and brought to the cuvered wagon 
two pads for Fannie and Dollie. I said Pa who is that 
talkingup there in that hall? He said I don't know. The 
speaker was talking loud and forcible. I said is that 
Daniel Webster talking, Pa said you know Daniel Webster 
is dead. Oh, yes, I would have said Bill Bryan if he had 
been prominent at that time. We went on and on. I 
said to Pa, in the heart of the town what branch is this, 
he says this is not a branch. This is the Mamoton River. 
We drove to the out-skirts of the town in order to get 
out of town, down a hill and I think up a hill to my best 
recoUekshun if we hadn't we wouldn't have never gotten 
back on the level, and past a place where I guess they 
made jugs, I said what is that? Pa said he didn't know 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 



and laughed, well I said I want to know. Further on I 
jumped out of the wagon and asked the boy if we could 
water the team he says yes, I motioned to the wagon Pa 
responded to unhitch, I didn't have time to help I was get- 
ting information the boy says where are you going I says 
to Kansas. He says you are in Kansas now, Is that so I 
said. Oh yes to Commanche Kansas I mean. He said 
what do you want to go out there for I said for opportun- 
ity, He said' it is too dry out there for anything you had 
better go back to Missouri. I said why? He said they 
only raise cattle and they are short girted. I said I'll be 
dogged on and on we traveled guess thru a town of one 
store. No flies on that town now, growed so fast that 
the gasoline fans I mean turned by gasoline engines have 
blowed them back into Missouri. All got sick no we did- 
n't Pa got sick what on alkili water of course, finally 
he got too sick to travel any further- I said turn back 
we will make a mistake in risking our lives any further. 
I hate to as we are learning so fast and much, but health 
is worth more than information. I tell you sir, the 
horses would not drink the water then how would you 
expect us to drink it and especially keep well on our first 
trip out of Missouri- Kum back to Missouri waited a few 
years and I took the Kansas fever so hard that my ears 
flopped- How do you know they did? Because they used to 
tell me that I would be a good telegraf operator therefoT"* 
my ears flopped. Several years afterwards I concluded 
to go to Sumner County Kansas I went to a certain town 
on the main line or a trunk I don 't remember which before 
I started I went into Smiths Restorent or Caffy maybe it 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 



was a grocery store, anyway i got ail of the cheese I could 
eat for a couple of days. I thought I would eat soru Sal- 
omn and sardenes. I went to the depot said mister, are 
you the depot man ? he said yes, I says I want to git a 
ticket to a certain town in Southern Kansas. I don't 
know where it is, I said I do, he said have you been there 
no have you seen the town ? Yes you said you have not 
been there how do you know it if you have not been there 
then. In the name of common sense how have you seen 
it if you have not been there, I says don't you know that 
you can draw imaginary lines, he said no, I says I do, 
how ? I says I have seen it on the map. What is the fare 
mister depot man? About eleven dollars- Steep, aint it, 
he said how do you know ? I said from the map- How long 
have you been here mister depot man? Seventeen years- 
well I don't know how to send you, I says if you don't I 
don't. Took me into anty room showed me something on 
the w^all, I no more than waited till he got out of the room 
I hollered loud Oh depot man. He come, he said I don't 
know how to send you he began to change his mind about 
me by this time he said I will send you to a certain town 
and then you will have time to make up your mind which 
way you want to go from there. I seen something that 
took my eye I think both eyes till this day so did the 
cheese- 

I met) up with a ice man on the train he said where 
are you going, I says to Kansas. Was you ever there be- 
fore? I says possibly, he got information didn't he. The 
ice man was going south in April I said where are you 
from? He said Iowa I says you are wise he didn't ask me. 



8 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

If he had do you know what I was going to say, owing 
to the cold weather np north. He said he didn't like my 
part of the country of course I wished to know why, he 
said he had been down to see one of my very distant na- 
bers I knowed him when I meet him in the county conven- 
tion every two or four years he wuz on the same side of 
politicks that I am- He said he didn't like my country 
and keep saying it finally I says why? he said because 
he chilled/ how long did you stay my friend? He said 
over night. 

Was he not wise going south to make ice in the spring of 
the year. I arrived in a good town I monkied around till 
dark and concluded I would eat some sammons and sar- 
denes as I did not have any with me, I wuz a terrible sam- 
mon and sardene eater. Santered into a store I says have 
you any sammons clerk? He said yes. Fix em up. He 
said we don't fix them up. I said sardenes then he said 
we don 't fix them up I thought not much of it- I walked 
into another store- Clerk said something? Yes- What is 
it? I said some sardenes fixed up- 

Clerk said we don't fix them up- I told 

him sammons then fix em up. I said in Missouri they ^x. 
em up. Oh this is Kansas is it not. Mind you I hadn't 
anything but cheese for a couple of days. I went down to 
the depot looking for my grip, now I have learned to call 
it in this respect or attitude, telescope or in the other 
attitude of suit case I believe or soop case I mean grip. 
I had with me what I am speaking of, I looked at derricks 
and oil wells, Why was I fooled in the meal is because 
there wuz I. supposed nothing to eat but oil and gas. I 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 



look at oil running out of tanks what do you think I 
look with, telescope no, What then, my eyes. I had sev- 
eral people looking for niy grip a nigger porter found it 
he said in the waiting room I was in a jBlx appearantly for 
a^ hour and a half what do you think I had in the grip, 
Stocks and bonds ? No, I could not get stocks and bonds 
in my grip what was it, fashion ? No, not that kind I 
told that porter that grip was not mine and time for me 
to laugh, I says I have it with me he said where is it, I 
pointed to my wrist. 

I landed in a good tov/n you remember I started from 
Missouri in April still April night. Upon my arrival 
in the town at that^ time the banner county for wheat I 
asked ten thousand questions! think about the wheat belt 
before daylight. Everyone had their eye upon me would 
keep asking me questions and where I was from, of course 
I would keep telling them When I got off the train I 
thought would walk into I don't know what it was w^alk- 
ing in a circle I said what do you charge it was a drum- 
mers place I am satisfied now that it wuz he responded 
with a price of fifty cents that took my breath for awhile 
or apparently so. I said I have heart failure and into 
the open air I went? I says look out the doctor prescribed 
me to go fast when I felt ailed, they got out of my wa[y 
and I did go fast, happened toj run up to a hotel I later 
found they called it. I said mister I want to stay all night 
and he said walk in He said what's the matter? I says I 
have been running? he said what for? I said I don't know 
what they call it in Kansas but they call it that in Mis- 
souri. He said no one wuz after you why did you run. 



10 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

1 said I was running away with fifty cents don't you think 
it was worth running for. I went to a grocery store went 
in and the merchant and clerk was leaving and asked me 
ii there was something they could do for me, I told them a 
great deal- I said I want five cents worth of cheese and 
crackers. I am awful hungry. I eat them with an up-to- 
date expression, eager to know where I was from. I said 
from Missouri- Train? where to the train. I said Kansas- 
Where are you from to Kansas. 

I said Oh I understand you now where then the old coun- 
try what old country, which one England or Glermany? 
I said Missouri. They laughed plentifully. The clerk 
said that is what I thought. I said so did I. I inquired 
for the copper king. They said he was out west. I said 
aint this out west ? I got in with the court next morning. 
I mean we call it circuit court in Missouri as a speculative 
medium. Didn't I look it? I inquired for habitation. 
They informed me they didn't know what I meant. I re- 
sponded where people are inhabited or gathered to gather 
annually not health resortively said they were inhabited- 
I didn't know it I says I didn't know it. I monkied around 
in Kansas six months, was in Northern Kansas I guess, 
up in another district when I learned something. When 
I learned through loafing in a store not a joint said there 
is one thing I don't like out west and the merchant re- 
sponded without hesitancy said what's that? Well I says I 
used to like back in Missouri sammons and sardenes bet- 
ter than a hog does slop we have them here. I said fix^ 
em up then, I have starved almost six solid months think 
of it mister merchant. He said I can't cook, my wife 



THE BISKITS ABE GONE 11 

and daughter is up north on a visit, I said good gracious 
i aon t want tiiem cooked, merely want you to cut the can 
open, i aon t carry a knil'e, pour them in a bowl or dish 
so tliey won't kill me, and put a little vinegar on. Why 
he responded is that what you call fixing them up ? Sure 
it is I says. Why I said I very often fix them up that way 
for the boys if that is what you call them fixed up. I 
said that is what we call fixed up in Missouri. Alright, 
cut the can open, pour into the bowl and put a little vine- 
gar on,' not too much now. I will tell you when to stop. 
I eat and eat I don't know how many cans of course not 
large ones. I had an inviting capacity for same I said 
they are the best I have eat for six months, and the last 
I have eat too. It took six months to learn how to ask for 
them so I could get them fixed up. I am now a vegetarian. 
I went into Arkansas once from the west along the 
road in the West at a certain town on the Pacific. There 
was an awful pretty girl came through the train and sat 
down beside me. Why? Because there wuz no other seat 
in the coach. She began chatting and I began gabbing. 
I told her I was almost ashamed of my nationality. She 
said she was not ashamed of hers she said I am a Norwe- 
gian and| proud of it. I said Oh you are with a sigh. 
She said yes I am a Norwegian and proud of it. I said 
to her your country and my country lie up there side by 
side. They was into controversy but in harmony with 
each other now. I told her that I didn't know what a 
blond was. She said I will tell you. I said tell me then. 
She described it as this. A tall light complected stalwart 
staturally looking person with blue eyes and light hair. 



12 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

Well I says then I did not know until you informed me. 
I have heard of a bluenette. What is a bluenette? She 
said you mean a brunette. Yes mam I mean a brunette. 
She said you mean a brunette- Yes mam what's the dif- 
ference between a bluenette and a blond V She informed 
me the difference is lhat the bluenett} is a sLade dark. 

I took a trip down through OklalioDia as appeared 
to me in about the eastern northern or central southern 
portion of Oklahoma. When we got to a town called Gore 
wuz. No one answered I elevated my voice another time 
and two times again. I went back into the coach and said 
to the man I was acquainted with, say this town seems to 
be named after Senator Gore. He said yes. I said has 
it not changed its name. He said what do you mean? I 
said from the appearence of things it would have to. He 
said why. Because it's older than Gore's prominence. 
I landed in Arkansas once and the first thing I noticed 
was the Arkansas River. Do you know what the Boston 
Mountains reminded me of the first time I went through 
them? The Cumberland Mountains in Tennessee. 

You have heard how they do in Arkansas here is one 
way. I was down at the depot one night about eleven 
thirty. I guess I was on the outside of the depot in straw- 
berry time. I noticed something very queer on the in- 
side of the depot through the winders in the waiting room 
There was seven children of various ages all singularly 
born> and all but their mother stretched out a sleep on 
the floor. Pretty soon a man came down with something 
in his arms. Can you guess what it; was? 

He said where are you frum? I says from Missouri. 



THE BI SKITS ARE GONE 13 

That struck him harmoniously and we was acquainted in 
a jiffy. He said I am going to feed these bananas to 
them there children in the morning. It is cheaper. I have 
seven of them in the depot there. I said that is what I 
thought, and he said he would after me questioning him 
as to appliance of them how he would feed? He said he 
would count them out. I said like feeding a horse corn? 
He said yes. Well mister, will you equate ? He said what 
do you mean ? How do you do, give same regardless of 
age? No> he said, you don't feed a colt as many ears as 
you do a growed up horse, do you? No I said. I said much 
obliged for the information my friend. I will see you in 
the morning, bed time for me. Say I want to say it was 
a sight to me. 

While I was down in Arkansas there was a family 
came over from an adjoining county and brought a^ hog 
crated in a wagon larteded it out and when they got thru 
harvesting strawberries loaded it up and took it home with 
them. 

The nigger don't think any more of going to the pen 
in the south than we do of going to court in a civil suit. 
I used to have a hankering for working 
in a store. I tried and tried and finally hired to my sor- 
row. Finally I succeeded in obtaining a position as Clerk 
I walked into a store and bought a pair of heavy overshoes 
did not know what store it wuz, the merchant stepped up 
and asked me if anything I wanted to buy ? I told him I 
wanted to look at a overcoat. He tried to sell me a light 
overcoat in the dead of winter in a northern zone, not only 
that but the latest cut. He was making poor success with 



14 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 



the sale so he called another one of the firm at hand he 
took charge of me that made me suspishus. I came within 
seventyfive cents of dealing. I made a mistake as I usual- 
ly do and I told him I didn 't know as to value or quality 
then he tried to lead me to believe I ought to take his 
word for the cloth after the sale. He failed to make the 
deal and I was walking out. It looks like you was pretty 
busy in here And he said he was\ and wanted to hire a 
clerk and asked me where I was from? And I told him 
from Missouri. He didn't know me and hired me. I 
worked for three fourths of a day and he put me to de- 
livering goods and told me I would find the horse and 
delivery wagon in the coal shed and so I did. I conclu- 
ded I would have a cow to milk by night and quit the 
clerkship and that is my experience in clerking in a store. 

I went into a hardware store and the clerk jumped 
at me with a dignifying walk and said something, with a 
tone of sweet complexion ? I said yes., He said what will 
it be? I says quinine. He says this is a hardware store. 
Well I says I know it He says we don't keep quinine, 
here. I said you don't. I took a sighing look across. 
Yonder is a drug store, li said, do they keep it there. I 
went over that away but didn't go in, didn't want any 
quinine. 

One time I was going along a street in the west and 
noticed a young fellow drive up just after a rain with a 
fine horse and buggy had on kid gloves met some other 
boys there, he said isn't it a fright, in a soft tone. He 
looked too soft to touch light bread. 

I was walking along a street in a western town and 
seen a middle age man tying a horse, the man I wuz with 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 15 

I said to him wait a minute, he said alright. I stepped 
back and said to the man tying the horse want to ask you 
this question is it in order ? He said it was, I want to know 
if you are from Missouri ? He said no from Texes. Very 
well I knowed you wuz from Missouri or Texes. He said 
why? Because you spoke to me. 

Was sitting in a hotel one time in sun flower state. 
I looked up all at once eaten I said is that a electric lamp ? 
One of them guests said yes. I says I didn't know, we 
have gas lights in Missouri and pointed to myself. 

A girl you may fall in love with you know how to tell 
whether she looks good to you? if she is light complected 
you will want to get a perpendicular look at her and if 
dark complected straight look. , 

I got in a wreck and was laid up four hundred miles 
from home and the hotel lady where I was taking my 
abode said it is too bad you are so far away from home in 
this condition. What do you mean by condition? You 
are hurt. Yes mam, I know it, I know it. She said that 's 
what I mean. I says wont I hurt in Missouri the same 
as up here four hundred miles away? She said with a 
astonishing look yes. 

One time was crossing the Panhandle of Texas border onto 
New Mexico and I crossed the plains on Christmas morn- 
ing one little town forgot .the name of it but it was on 
north side of track ? What did you see ? A band of the pur- 
tiest girls you ever did see looking right up into my face. 
Did you faint ? No. What did they do, serinade the train, 
what did you say ? I says I am from Missouri. What was 
reason she was looking at you? Because she did not 



16 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

know my age two reasons one is from Mo. and other is of 

right age I was. 

I stepped out on the platform asked where the Senator 

The first time I ever seen the mountains was out west. 
Where was you when you last seen them ? In Arkansas. 

I went to Montana pnce. What do you think I seen ? 
A purty girl. Oh yes. Is that all Montana has ? Oh no, 
but the best thing she possesses is a gurl. What for? To 
go to a dance. How far, from fifty to one hundred miles 
from where ? From home. How long do they stay ? Till 
dance is over. 

The other day I seen a man take the train oh my how 
big was he? You mean you seen a man run to catch the 
train. 

Once I seen a R R. train stop for hour what for? 
Don't know. Don't you have any idea? Yes, What 
wuz it? Owing to the deficiency of the engine 

Do you have any idea why you see women folks and 
men too go to the train back east wuz asked when out 
west? My reply was what year did you go to Mo.? 
World's fair, they didn't know how did you go horse back 
no mule back no under common sense then how did you 
go ? On the train oh yes I see you could do that. 

You didn't answer my question. No what was it? 
Why does people, especially women make trains? I did- 
n't know before that women makes trains. They are 
made in factories by skilled labor and great mechanics 
and great machinery. ^ 

Should have said meet trains that's what I thought. 
Where? At the depot. Well I will endeavor to answer 
you because westerners hadn't been there already. So 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 17 

you see by the time the train wuz gone done gone done 
been there. 

On the train I met a woman out on a western trip. 
Where are you from? she said. From Missouri. Who 
was she? A detective. Was you scared? No. Why? 
Because I wuz used to detectives. Where? In Missouri. 
She was, how did you know she was? Because she would 
keep saying how silly I am, I would keep saying you don't 
look it. I mistrusted she being a detective then I said in 
my judgment you are from Missouri but please tell me if I 
am not right? You are on that Mister but how did you 
know? She said to me because you said while ago that Jim 
Tom and John varned you against rattle snakes and that 
buffalo had don'^' been there in the west. She said you 
are right. I said of course. , 

At one time going through one of the northern states 
hard for me to recollecti the name of the state owing to' 
the condition of my mind, I found my ideal you have often 
heard feller has one ideal in life time only one usually. 
Found mine on a train, she was not a pippin because she 
was prettier than a Missouri apple tainted enough with a 
collor to make her complexion shine through a reversal 
national makeup. 

I rode one time through the south on a train without 
a ticket. The man of conduction, you mean conductor, 
come to me with looked like a hog ringer, I said what do 
you want? He said ticket. I said I haven't got any tic- 
ket. He said you have to have. I said who are you? He 
said I am the auditor and I said auditors are not on trains, 
he said where are they then? Attending to their duties. 
I am, that is what I am doing now he said. I said where is 



18 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

your book ? He said what do you mean? and he said what 
do you mean? He demanded the ticket or money. I 
says auditors are in capitols. He laughed and said I 
will get your ticket, I says you won't I will give it to the 
conductor. 

I walked into a lumber yard and said I want to see the 
manager. The feller said you are talking to him now. 
He said young man what do you want? Well I want to 
know if you will trade this lumber yard for a farm. He 
said what size farm? I said eighty to one hundred sixty 
acres. He laughed and said We shipped sixty four thous- 
and dollars' worth out of here today. I said where are 
the wagons, and went on. Do you believe him? 

Was walking with a friend in one of the cities in the 
west and I said to him lets go into this building. Why? 
he said and I said its fifteen stories high. The other day 
I fell eight stories in here. He looked astonished. I said 
I went up in a whirlimig and come down eight stories. Oh 
he said in an elevator I said you call em that I guess so. 

I told a man I was desirious of writing a book, he said 
how will you do that? I said compile facts and that 
makes records and have book of records. 

What do ladies remind you of? Owing to style of 
shoe. 

What is a periodical? A reputable 

What is a particular? It's not perticular 

What is accept? Its not except. 

What is a definition to intelligence ? Hard to find. 

What is smartness? It is onions. 

How do you know when to quit plowing for supper? 
Owing to what century of time you are living. 



^ THE BISKITS ARE GONE 19 

What kind of hand do you prefer on the farm ? One 
that whistles and sings. 

Why? Because worry is what hurts. 

When I was in the wheat belt I hired out to cut bands 
for a steam thrasher somewhere in Dakota, for three or 
four weeks. My feet got sore from the waubble of the 
machine. The boys said I found when I was about 
through that it was a long, sharp tack sticking straight 
up in the heel of my shoe. The foot was so bad that the 
boys brought me a felt shoe and it felt better. The waub- 
ble of the machine caused it so that I just had to quit. The 
boys did hate^ to see me quit because I was a good Mis- 
souri hand and they put at me to have my foot amputated 
and I didn't know until the other day but what it meant 
lanced, and I find that it is to cut it off and am gla^d now 
that I didn't yield to the boys' suggestions. 

What is paper? Ground material. 

What is newspaper? It's what goes on in general. 

Why do you read newspapers? So I know what the 
world's doing, that educates me. How? I am forced then 
to study the maps in geography. 

How would it force you to study when a bond election 
is held somewhere and rates are tecknical or fractional 
sometimes want to know why, through curiosity, then fig- 
ures gives me practice. 

What is ambition? High range of thought. 

What is estimation? Guessing. 

What is judgment? Not guessing. 

Judgment is knowledge. 

What is the difference in tongues? Various. 



20 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

What is a contractor? A man that represents himself 
against several. 

What is a locater? A five year sticker. 

Coal digger? Is a pleasure maker. How's that? He 
furnishes heat for chair warmers. 

Coal inspector is a law investigator of banks. 

I had a toothache and asked everybody I seen except 
statesmen, reason for that I lived in the country and 
didn't come in contact with them. If had better have my 
jaw tooth pulled or not, and some one would say yes, and 
some would say have it filled. You see people differ on 
any question. My mind is subject to change. That's the 
reason I suffered with my gums for three weeks for the 
want of a conclusion. Finally I made up myl mind after 
consulting two doctors and two dentists conclusively. I 
went to a doctor. He said sit down there. 

I said how Doc ? He showed me how to set. I set 
and he come with a hog ringer, supposed to be a faucet. 
I said? doc? what have you got? He said sit down there. I 
says, what are you going to do with them there hog ring- 
ers, doc? He commenced pulling and I commenced 
streaching. He got taller and I got louder. I motioned to 
go ouj fraid he would leave the tooth half cocked, which 
he did. I got up thinking I was at a health resort. I was 
where there wuz a man handing up water in cups with 
both hands, as people wuz coming up to fence by spring 
there wuz 6 or 8 acres full of people, and I seen an old 
man say Mother in the morning early lets wait till the 
croud leaves. 

What's difference between wind storra and hail storm? 
One is compressed air, and the other is frozen wotter. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 21 

Reason for writin this book have compiled r»)£ions and 
just telling them I could not arrive at airy benefits in 
that way. 

Do yu know whot a reson is ? Well formed idees. 

Do yu know whot a pianer tooner is carrying with 
him? No. What is it? Tules. Do you know what he re- 
minds me of? No. Whot do yu sa? A drummer. 

Whot is called thereselves travelling men? Drummers. 

Whot should we call a traveling lady? A travelingress. 

Why do peches taste good? Because of being delicious. 

Why are plums sour? Because other frate is sweet. 

How old is that horse ? Do you want to trade for him, 
owing to if you want to trade for him in his mind in- 
wardly. 

I wuz on the train one time cuming thru mizzuri ^nd I 
thot I wuz shot. The conductor wanted to brand me by 
putting a card in my hat band, and I thot he had a pistol. 
It wuz after dark between the coaches and I pulled his 
hand down thinking he. had a pistol leveled on my fore- 
head and I wuz scared, kum to find out he wuz only tag- 
ing me so I could ride thru. 

Reason for the name of carpenters is because of bilding 
cars, and pen comes in on drawing line, you know they 
draw. 

One timq I become burned. I mean sunburned, and I 
washed and washed but didn't appear to effect it any. 

I wuz asked what a divorce is, and here is my answer 
separation of supposition. 

I suppose you know what is slippery on the sidewalk? 
Is it land? No, what then ice? No, what then? Banana 
peelings. 



22 THE BISKITS ARE GO NE 

I participated in a Sunday skule exercize when 13 
years old and there wuz 13 in class we all had vurses of 
corse, and the verse above me says what will we do when 
we get to be men? And my verse says we will do the 
talking then. Reason I am still a boy have never dun 
the talking yet. 

I said at one time when very small boy, Pa, looks like 
any block head could be a lawyer. Yes, Pa says, it is a 
block heads bizness, reason I am not an attorney now. 

I used to of en say if I had ten thousand dollars could 
make a million dollars, could have too, doing how? Buy- 
ing options on futures^ valuations of land That's reason 
I am a wind jammer in the peoples estimation. ' 

In Kansas I am called Mo. because I give the history of 
Mo., in Mo., a fool and in Arkansas a cifer, its an o, you 
know. 

I wuz asked the difference between plow beem 40 years 
ago and now, I says 6 feet. 

Also wanted to know difference between a mole board 
plow and one now. I says steel. 

Do you know what a easterner will experience if he 
goes west to harvest ? It will be horse experience in N. W. 

I wuz thrashing one time as a machine hand and we 
wuz sleeping in a barn loft of course. I herd the hogs in 
the driveway grinding away on the wheat. I thought wuz 
in a flour mill. I hollered out and said the mills running, 
I hear the burs cracking. One of the hands said, say lay 
down there. I can't sleep for the mill I says, one of them 
hands says its nothing but the billy goats and hillbillys 
from Mo. that is running. 

What did you think of the fight? If political fight I 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 



think foolish one? a grain fight a financial fight? fist fight 
muscular fight. 

A fellow said to me if you draw anything what would 
you do ? I says I wont draw anything, yes now but if you 
should? What would you do, sell it at auction. 

What are kidney beans good for? To eat. Corn field 
beans? Then why don't they call them liver beans? For 
this reason, they are generally grown in a hog lot. Why? 
Because kidneys are a kind of a gigantic organ and nec- 
essary to have organs, and they are next thing to a hog. 

A friend of mine and myself wuz driving along and all 
at once we seen a snake, and my friend jumped out of 
the buggy and cut his head off. Did he ketch it ? Firsffc 
yes he caught it first, I said do you want a drink? I 
had it in the buggy, he said send the drink to him, he 'wuz 
hold of snake with left hand and his knife in other hand, 
I could not get the snake medicine to him, tiie wild horses 
was frightful. If he would turn it loose he would not be 
able to ketch it again. I couldn't leave the team, wuz 
fraid of it, so wuz the team. The snake would try to get 
at us and the team would whirl aroundl agin, and I wuz 
shudderin and couldn't hold them hardly at all I holler- 
ed to my friend and told him I couldnt. Hold^ them, to 
let the snake loose said why I said I havn't had any break- 
fast. He never did get the whiskey on that round. 

I knew a person who was all ways up to date. How? 
He never liked time. 

A man said Mo. is the greatest poultry state in the un- 
ion isn't it? Oh yes, I said but there are drawbacks in 
any state. He said where are there any drawbacks in 
Mo. poultry? I said we raise more roosters than hens, 
in Mo.^ than any other state. 



24 THE BISKITS ARE GON E 

Feller said Iowa is the greatest hog state in the universe 
I says yes I guess so, but we raise more sow pigs in Mo-, 
than Iowa so its more profitable raising hogs in Mo. than 
Iowa he admitted, that's right he said. 

I said to a feller, sheep does well in my state. Yes he 
said, guess so, but wolves did better. I said why? He said 
they breed faster. I said no they don't breed any faster 
only harder to kill. 

I was showing a man from Iowa land and it wuz after 
a freeze. Driving along he said, that's quite a hole we 
went into. I says you mean the buggy wheel that went 
into that rut. He said yes. I said if you wuz from Vir- 
ginia I would then have said we wheeled into that rut, but 
he wuz not from wheeling Virginia. 

How old are you ? If in court you speak of the time you 
have lived, which is called age. If you would ask me how 
old I am I would tell you old enough to see the workings 
of the world, with their European airplanes and horse- 
less carriages. 

I stayed up to see Denver go to bed. I came in from 
the west and stayed up till 3 o'clooek in the a. m., still 
lots of people up on the streets. 

What's a ministerial? A law official. 

What's soil? Possessive elements of nature. What's a 
monitor ? Its not a merimac. 

What is binding twine ? Rope. What is a administra- 
tor? He causes the seal put to documents. 

Say what is a probate judge? A person to settle es- 
tates, landed and otherwise. 

I wuz asked why I didn't wear light shirts? They are 
connected with sun rays, and hurt my eyes. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 25 

What is a butler? Owing to the nationality. 

Some people will tell you if hotel register is closed, is 
bad luck, only tells if any bizness or not in hotel. 

A feller said to me he carried a team 100 miles. I said 
where have you bin all this time ? He said in Texas. A 
feller asked me where cotton kings lived? I said I guess 
you wouldn't expect them to live up north would you. 

Why is feathers high ? Because poultry is in demand. 

Some one said all he wanted was money. I says, give 
me sense first, and if enough of it I will acquire the mon- 
ey, with that provision only. 

I met a hero once. What as to ? His ideas. 

I have often spoke of being a hero of foolishness. 

What are shows good for ? Owing to the kind. 

What region does meat effect the organs? ^hat is 
it called? Disease. What kind? Rheumatism or rheumat- 
ic pains. 

How does quinine act? On the liver. 

How does pills act? Owing to the name. I knew a man 
buy a corn planter in the dead of winter. Why? To get 
low prices. 

I bought an overcoat in hot weather. What for? To 
save money. 

li had a Doctor admit I would have better health, if I 
would wear heavy pants in hot weather. 

I had a mackintosh when young, what do you wear now 
in lieu thereof? A rain coat. What for? To show. 

Why does pumpkins get ripe in the fall? Why does 
watermelons get ripe in summer? 

Why does poland china hogs develop quicker than 
berkshire? Because are shorter don't take so much to 
eat. 



26 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

Why wouldnt wolves pay to raise them if they was 
worth $10.00 a head? No? why? Because figures wont 
bear you out when what you feed them is collected. 

What does a harvest hand require? A strong back, 
makes no difference about his mind 

Where are there vineyards? Where there are vines. 

What does prunes remind you of? Washington. 

Do you know what rough domestic is? Linen. 

Grape nuts are inviting at what point? After they are 
soaked in sugar and cream. 

What is the most picturesque thing in Arkansas? The 
boston mountains. 

What is beautiful in California? Scenery. 

What is sand? Light essence of soil. Salt? Is sub- 
stance in ground that won 't grow vegetation of any sort. 

I had a strong argument with a able lawyer. You know 
what that means. He argued that flies was no bigger in 
the west than in Mo. I took the position they wuz and he 
wanted to know why I thought so? And I said because 
they hit the flint in Mo. and nock off there wings, cripple 
the young ones so they can't grow as much. 

Fish grows bigger in Mo. than any other streams? 
Because, substance from geological formation is stronger, 
with various elements. 

What is difference between a corn crop in Mo. and a 
miracle? The miracle is formed before the corn crop is 
made. Sometimes. 

What constitutes a big man? Avordupois strength. 

What is a giraffe the son said daddy ? Daddy said son- 
ny it is a double standard horse. 

What is a monkey with? With witty duration. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 27 



A fellow said mosquitoes resembled a wasp. I says fel- 
ler what are you talkin about? They dont resemble a 
wasp. He kept sayin they did and so I wanted to know 
if I could learn anything. Here 's what he said, they sting 
alike. 

"Why is a young deer called a fawn? Because they 
look fine on lawn. 

What is a opera ? It is where getherins are held in op- 
era house. Operate, where shows are held. 

What do you think of hot weather? 3 months. 

Did you ever see a bridge turn ? Yes, how ? By electric 
power, furnished by gas? No. What? Water. 

I asked a man what a chicken belt wuz? He said what 
are you talking about? A chicken belt. I don't know 
what you mean. I says a chicken belt. He said I don't 
understand you. I says well there is a corn belt 
in Illinois, a hog belt in Iowa, a wheat belt in Kansas, 
mule belt in Mo., cotton belt in Georgia, now, the chicken 
belt is in South Mo. 

What do you think men's shoes remind me of? Owing 
to size. 

What is a real estate agent good forf To establish 
valuation of real estate. 

What bizness is mistreated, construed land bizness ? Be- 
cause a land agent makes you rich, he receiving a paltry 
sum as a commission for hus entire blowing and boosting 
your country, and property, he is on the same line of de- 
velopment as the R. R.s. 

Say do you have any idea the difference between a real 
estate agent and a R. R. man? Here's the difference. 
Railroad man gets name of a promoter and the real estate 
agent name of a rascal. 



28 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

What is difference beween coal and wood? Depends 
on variety as to being hard. 

What is your land worth ? Owing to who is asking the 
question. Wouldn't you like to see Mr. Smith have a land 
buyer and assessor at the same time for dinner? You 
would think it would take a real estate agent on the side 
at that periodical time to derive justice for owner of the 
farm. 

What should a judge be ? A man that understands the 
combination of law and common sense in order to deal 
conscientiously and just, but what is a judge? I say a 
man that knows human nature, looks at you straight and 
say here is my decision. 

What is an excuse ? Delay. 

What is eating good for? To sustain life. 

I eat with a knife and fork and only when we have 
company, then I eat with fork got to sticking my mouth 
so I throwed up hilarity and now eat the old fashioned 
with fork in right hand. You ought to see me eat. 

I was asked time and again what I thought o:^ girls if 
I liked them? I would always say of course I like them, 
like to see them just like fat cattle on the bridge, and es- 
pecially red. 

I lost my mind in Nevada, regained it in Arkansas, 
come back to Mo. to retain it. 

I went into a store in the west one time. Lady clerk 
with that habitual question said, something? I said yes 
mam. I stood there she acted wise, purty soon said, some- 
thing, I said yesmam. I said why don't you ask me what 
it is? Finally she said it. I says I want to see the prop, 
are you the proprietor? She said no. He is back there 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 29 

at the desk. I says can I go back? She said certainly^ not. 
I thot she said certainly turned around 3 or 4 times and 
said I am hard of hearing? what did you say, certainly? 
not, alright? I walked back says are you the manager? 
Said he wuz. Will you trade this stock for land ? He wuz 
too smart for me and said if he could get one hundred 
cents on the dollar he would, cash out of the farm, be- 
fore he let go of goods. You have $28,500 in here haven't 
you 1 He said as near as I can tell. , He wuz anxipus to 
know who I was then said where are you from? I said 
you, he said where are you from ? He insisted on me say- 
ing he hadent exposed his ignorance yet he asked agin 
I says Mo. I says yu are not surprised are you? Thought 
he said no, that is what I thot I says> 

What is a gambler? A chance taker. What is a card 
game? Society game called pitch. 

Do you know what a stand is? No, can you tell me? 
Yes. Lets have it. Owing to position it takes. 

Can you run out this answer? I dont know. What is 
bounty ? Refunding of money. 

What is a factory? Factor in many factors in great en- 
terprises. 

What is national reputation? Where a man dictates 
to the nation. 

What is a state reputation? Where a person is recog- 
nized as a politician. 

What is a politician? It is owing to the stage of time. 

What is a plant? Is it something sowed? Yes> two 
kinds, one is sowed, the other is put. 

What's reason or the difference between a cambel and 
lumbago? One is the disease the other the animal. 



30 THE BISKITS ARE GON E 

Difference between a physician and doctor? It is a 
doctor except when you have company, then its a physi- 
cian. Where I am at hotel we call them potatoes, when 
we have no one but usual boarders, when drummers come 
call them pertaters. 

When do I call tomatoes termaters? When the com- 
pany arrive. 

What is the difference between Arizona and New York? 
Heat and cold. 

What was Alaska purchased for? Money, What was 
unearthed? Gold. What was expected? Salmons. 

An employe calls a manipulator a boss. 

Do yoou know why a keg is not a barrel? No. Applys 
same as a pig, not a big hog. 

Do you know why a person goes crazy? No. Because 
having no sense. No, that is not it. What then? Have too 
much sense for the exercising of the cells, so the faculty 
is sold out inferially to inferior region. 

Do you know why dried apples are light ? Because sub- 
stance is evaporated. 

Do you know what sugar and water will do ? Revive 
dried apples. 

Can you tell a pianer tuner? Look for soft sole shoes. 

What is a double not sliuffle but a double shovel to a 
cultivator? Difference is the reach. 

What's a corn planter? It is a shot gun in the suth- 
ern mountains, a sharp cutter that penetrates the ground 
in the northern country. 

Is a book informational ? Its owing to the kind. 

Which is the best trees to grow ? Its the ones that you 
plant. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 31 

What is law? Its owing to whom interprets it. 

Who is an attorney? It is in a child's estimation, a 
prosecutor, and adult's opinion a arbitrator, in my opin- 
ion its a lawyer. 

What is a park? If it's a city park it's a spoon holder. 

What 's difference between bulls eye and a bull tongue ? 
One sees, and the other roots the corn. 

Difference between a steam boat and an alligator? Ow- 
ing to what century of time. 

Want to know the difference of a thrashing engine 
whistle and on R. R. engine? Difference is governed 
by law, law demands whistle on R. R's. 

In court you are asked by attorney your age and if you 
don't want to tell how can you evade it and same time 
answer him? By stating you are 21 years past. 

Whats difference between rattlesnake and a cat! Cat 
scratches, and the snake rattles. 

Do you know what a cat is for ? No. What ? I guess to 
ketch rats, no, what for then? To be in your feet way 
every time you move 

Say a man said to me one time, 1^ want to know why 
there are so many dogs? He wanted to know if I could 
tell him;. I says of course. Well, he said, what is it? I 
responsed this way, to keep supplied with luxuries. 

Do you know why culprits and bridges are built over 
20 feet in width? No. To keep one automobile from 
running into other, no, what is it then? To comply with 
the law. Supposing it wuz made shorter in length ??? 
you mean width, you wouldn't get your state to aid you. 
Why? because high authorities wouldnt recognize your 
bridge. Why? Because you didnt recognize their plans 
and specifications. 



32 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

Can you tell me what will mix quick? The thermome- 
ter dropping 60 degrees in half an hour. What does 
that feel like ? Air off the glaciers . Now dont you think 
hot and cold air will mix quick ? 

What is a postal card ? It depends whether of today or 
10 years ago. If ten years back it wuz for transfering 
what you call communications same as a public letter, to- 
day its transmission of love, demonstrated in picturesque 
form. Saves writing, pleasing to the mind not bizness. 
Why? because bizness is not all ways pleasing. Post- 
cards are hardly ever sent now days without pleasing, 
where no writing is attached. 

A feller wanted to know what one fourth down wuz? 
I says it is. What do you mean, he said? One fourth 
down, owing to whether you are up a precipice and in- 
clined three fourths up, if so you declined 25 per cent 
down or one fourth down on $10,000 farm would mean 
$2,500, or twenty-five per cent of 100 for the basis. That 's 
what my explanation to one fourth down is. 

Wuz asked the other day what a royal wuz ? I sai(J there 
is two, one is the royal court of justice, the other where 
is it ? In London. 

Which is in London? Royal court of justice, other is 
cattle royal in Kansas City, and other large cities. 

Why does so many people look up to the governor? Be- 
cause of superiority. 

Why does so many attorney generals become gover- 
nors? Because they understand the governing powers. 

Why do we have a auditor? To compile records. 

What is reason a feller wanted to know why we have 
penitentiaries? To keep people from teaching others bad 



THE BISKIT S ARE GONE 33 

things. If all in there would be no teachers then. 

What is object of lumber yards? To develop the coun- 
try. 

Do you know why Mo. leads on mules? Because we 
raise the mammoth kind. 

I wuz asked one time if I could tell him why corn got 
yeller in the spring of the year? Owing to the low at- 
mosphere, not altitude. 

A feller wanted to know why flour don't drop when 
wheat does? Here is the reason, because it's all ready 
went through the elevator. 

Who is an orator? Anyone that has a clear voice and 
can deliver words in an eloquent manner. 

What makes a man great? It is his commanding ap- 
pearance. 

Why are potatoes called peach blows? Because planted 
after peaches mature. 

Why do we ship cattle from ports? In order to supply 
Europe with same. 

Why is Missouri such a good state? You may ask 
me same question of Kansas? Yes I do. Because cen- 
trally located. 

What is nutriment Its strength. 
What is the difference in the south between hostility 
and a hostler? Its the nigger. 

Wuz trying to sell land in the south once and seen 
three men coming down the hill and- over the hill all 
bloomed out on Saturday afternoon? called evening in 
the south. I waited till they come up thinking they 
wuz land buyers, and they wuz negroes. I bounced 
them anyway to sell them land, they felt good. 



34 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

Do you know the difference between an Indian and 
negro? Difference is as to legality of its ancestral na- 
tivity. 

Give me the difference between a colored man and an 
Indian holding office? Its the right legally. 

Whats a session acts ? Its an attachment to the stat- 
utory law. 

Did I ever move wells? No but I have heard they 
move wells.. I seen one that wuz moved. 

Whats a gold mine ? Its a standard bearer. 

Whats a silver mine? Its bullion. 

Why is there a few bungalows in Missouri ? Because 
some few people has been into California. 

Once in a while you will see a hip roofed house in Mis- 
souri. I asked why ? What do you think the answer wuz 
— someone has seen them in Kansas. 

Why do people wear durbies? To look stiff. 

Why do a great many men wear starched shirts ? So 
can make insufficient form have some body. 

What is a Missourian? A person. 

What is a foreigner ? If he lives here he is a alien. 

Do you know what the white way is? Its not the 
dark way, right way. 

One time another feller and I wuz kuming off of the 
train. We had bin away on several mile j ant, I wuz tired 
so wuz he. I had the headache I guess and all at once I 
missed my nickle handkerchief and I wanted to telegraf 
for it and started back to depot quarter of a mile and he 
said it will cost you 25 cents and it is only a nickel hand- 
kerchief. 

I started to cross the Delaware. Why didn' you cross 
it ? I woke up. 



THE B ISKITS AEE GONE 35 

I dreamed of goin to London. Just before arriving at 
Queenstown I found a large farm or plantation right out 
on the ocean. Now do you believe in dreams ? 

One time in a certain town on my outing I seen a man 
and woman? walked up to them said are you acquainted 
with a man thats up at the next town building a skule 
house ? He said he didn 't know who is he ? I said I don 't 
know, that 's what I vs^ant to know. I thought maybe you 
was his brother. I don 't know him but had a curiosity to 
know who these people was. 

I have been took for a detective, I believe they call 
them. You wouldn 't think it would you ? 

How do you say knowledge is formed? From good 
sound opinions. What does poor opinions amount to? 
A wind jammer. 

What is a hym? A sheet of music. 

What is a tenor? A keyed up singer. Alto? A 
melodious tone Soprano? Universal tone in singing. 
Strong expression of the voice in music is base. 

Choir ? Is an assemblage of singers. 

I wuz out with a land man drivin along the road. 
After lookin at three or four farms, it wuz a muddy time, 
I drove right into a rut with the buggy wheel. He) said 
whats the matter with you? I said I didn't see that rut. 
He said that is not what I mean, I want to know if you 
know anything at all? I said no. One time he found a 
land agent didn't know anything. 

Do you know how to distinguish colors in the dark? 
No, how? Light a lamp 

How to tell corn meal from oat meal ? Owing to what 
state. 



36 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

How does a person chill? Shake 

What would you do if you was called judge? Look 
wise. What if called professor? Tip the hat to the 
ladies 

What is an envelope ? If you possess dignifying qual- 
ities its an onvelope 

I stopped off on a trip coming east on the Burlington 
and bot sum pie. When I paid for same I thanked the 
gurl. She looked as tho she didn't understand my custom. 
I said to a man from Missouri that bot sum too, She don't 
know my custom ? He said I wuz right. 

Do you know how to spark? I wuz on the train; 
there wuz a purty gurl got on at the depot and there wuz 
several seats vacant. Seemed as tho she spied a young 
feller on north side with a coat hanging on the wall and 
sleeves folded up and pants turned up at bottom to the 
nees so he could show his purty shiny socks? so she could 
see them or any other sport. I would like to have bin her 
mother. 

I wuz working at a place one time and the boys and 
I wuz all the time talking history, and one of the boys 
got the tape line one day and started towarge me and I 
asked him what he wuz going to do with that there tape 
line ? And he said measure my brains. 

Was working for a young feller at a farm in the south 
and he all at once told me to go into the cellar and his wife 
would tell me what to do. I did, I went up, went in the 
cellar, and say^ Tom told me to kum up, you would tell 
me what to do. She said take a hold of that churn, I said 
say what churn? I says what do you call that there 
thing? I pointed to it, said that. What, that tray? She 



THE BISKITS ARE aONE 37 

said. I says tray, I don 't know. She said that is a butter 
tray. I says I never seen anything like it in Missouri. 
I took a hold and turned what she called a churn, that is 
half round, looked like a half barrel. I never seen a bar- 
rel called a churn in Missouri. She thought after I turn- 
ed and talked awhile that she would look into the barrel 
and she pulled the stopper and throwed butter milk all 
over me. She took on over me and thot it had ruined my 
coat. I said no mom. I had no necktie on, it wont hurt 
my clothes. I am only a hired hand. I spied sum apples 
and set down and went to oatin apples after frost and 
they tasted offel good. This is what I call churn shootin 
me in the south. Reason Tom trusted me with his young 
wife wuz because I looked innocent. 

I had my first auction sale a few years since. It wuz 
goods out of a store and a south Missouri town. The pro- 
prietor brot out the goods in front of the store on to a nar- 
row goods box. I mounted the box with six weeks of 
snow, had on a big southern hat, wide brim, cotton flannel 
gloves and a big heavy over coat with high collar turned 
up. Now I said boys, I am in the habit of gabbing now I 
want to get into the habit of selling. I said ladies and 
gentlemen and feller citizens, I offer you goods at sale for 
highest money and you ought to seen them women and 
men and children gazeing at the auctioneer. I says are 
you all done ? 3 times at a whirl loud as I could; say it, 
and in corse of a year I drove in at a mans house with sum 
land buyers. Just/ as we drove thru the gate the owner 
of farm and boy too, said do you know that hat Sammy 
has on there? I don't think I do. Don't you remember 
selling it to Sammy for twenty-five cents? I said no at 



38 ■ THE BISKITS AR E GONE 

first. I said to the land men, he is right. You see I am 
not a salesman, don't you? And they looked funny. 

I ordered, did you know what it wuz? No, what 
wuz it ? 3 gallons of sour milk a day for my health. No 
I didn't. What then? It wuz buttermilk. 

Was comin through on a train at a specific time and 
walked up from depot at a junction town that is where R. 
Rs. run here and there, across each other critical to be 
there. Went to the hotel and man come to the door and 
said what is it? I said a bed of corse. What else do you 
think at this time of the night, 2 o 'clock in the a. m. He 
said as soon as a man gets up, up sttairs. I says let him 
stay up there I didn't want any bed, would you? I went 
to the depot and stayed up all night thinking it waa the 
only hotel in town of twenty thousand people. Wuzn't 
I smart? 

I wuz on my way thru a gas and oil town once and 
waitin for the train, I wuz santerin around and noticed 
sum brick in the stove in the depot. I said whats them 
there brick in that there stovefur? I wuz informed they 
wuz there for the purpose of seperatin the gas from the 
fire. Thats where they burn gas you know. 

. I will tell you what the parrot told me once. I says 
Polly, I am a fool. What did Polly say? She said well. 

Who takes care of the counties bizness? The court. 

What is the reason of appendix ? It is the separation 
of stomach and the lower stomack. 

What is the consequence of a mistaken name of ap- 
pendix ? In certain states its violation of the law. 

Why does a German make more money than an 
American ? Its because he does not desire site, seeing of 
the world. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 39 

People are getting so smart, a fellow said to me. I 
said how is that? He spoke of inventions, and high edu- 
cation, colleges etc. I says you are right but you didn't 
mention qualification or knowledge, I says. I took issue 
with him. I says while I admit all, of this stuff I notice 
when it gets right wet and muddy that the cradle is used 
yet. 

What is a planter? Two, one is agriculture machine 
the other a southern planter. 

I was asked what a refinery wuz ? Well, I says, it is 
not a finery. 

Say, can you tell me mister, what a lightning bug is ? 
No, can you ? Yes. What ? Not a gold bug. 

Whats silk? Not wool. Cotton? Not feathers. 

Tell me the difference between a breech loading gun 
and a muzzle loader? One you mold and the other you 
put. 

Tell me the difference in heavy weight, and light 
weight and champion weight? All difference in weight. 

What is a mule? Standard bearer. Why? Because 
of the high value based upon demand. 

What is a atmospherical mule? He is a mule that 
stands the climate well. 

What is the difference in continuance of using whis- 
key and milk? One soothes and the other burns. 

Give me your reason for difference in cider and vin- 
egar? Owing to stage of time, 

I went into a large wholesale house in one of the 
western cities and a big concern, myi what a big institu- 
tion it wuz. I wuz up thru all of the rooms lookin for a 
cuzin of mine that had bin workin there and when leavin 



40 THE BISKITS AR E GONE 

I went too low down, arrived in the basement, they says, 
it wuz, I guess it wuz, had to g6 up in order ^io get out. 
Clerk stepped up to me and said something I says, I 
says, yes. What is it ? I says T want to get out of here. 

A feller wanted to know why we have fact ories ? Do 
you have an idea why ? ' To supply the demau d. 

Someone asked me why a nigger may be ignorant? 
I can tell you Alright, lets have it. Lots •)f times is 
because of the deficiency of mentality. No. What 
then ? Lack of reading and being trained. 

I was asked what I thought of education 1 I think 
it is the grandest thing on earth, as an artificial develop- 
ment. There is only one thing wrong with education, 
you think you have it when you haven't WJiat is the 
trouble in getting in? Love is practiced too much. 

What is love? Have not found a definitiDn for it 
yet. 

I wuz accused one time of being a humorist. My 
response was I have heard of Bill Nye. 

Do you know why a vegetarian rejects mi^ce pie? 
No Because its meat. 

Why do some people mistake lemon for custard pie? 
Because of the color. 

Why is custard superior to all other piesi Because 
of eggs and cream being in, which makes rich flavoring 
of any pie. 

Why are awnings on houses? In order to Ifeep the 
sun from penetrating the paint. 

If the mother wuz as perticuler with there daughters 
as to whom they should not marry as they are the ones 
they do marry, and would teach them to study human na- 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 41 

ture, this would be a different country in another decade. 
One time on the main line thru the west? I had never 
bin on train much up to this time, and I noticed a purty 
gurl come in the coach where I wuz. Don't need to des- 
ignate the coach between white and black as I was not 
in the southern states. She took all the peoples eyes, 
awful near getting both of mine. 

A man in a northern state told me his practice 
amouiited to $5,000 annually and he would not go to the 
south. He said he could not afford to as his practice was 
$5,000. I said doctor, please give me your expense for 
one year. He thought I meant figures, which was $4,378. 
I would like to have his expense for one year, wouldn't 
you? You see how the world wags. Lot of people blow 
about what they are doing, and do not admit what they 
save. 

When drinking cups first became fashionable a man 
come into the train and said he wanted a cup. Conductor 
said you are in Kansas — that wide rimed hat He looked 
funny. He kept saying I know I am in Kansas. I would 
say to him, you are in Kansas sir. I would say to him. 

Was accused by my teacher in skule of being the old- 
est or having the oldest head of anyone in skule he ever 
seen, because I wuz so old looking. 

Never sparked in skule. Why? Becailse the gurls 
did know beauty when they seen it. 

Girls never did give me the mitten. Do you know 
why? No, why? Because did not ask for it. 

Do you know what rain reminds me of? No. Owing 
to what state its in. Supposing in western country it 
would be moisture, in Missouri would be water. 



42 THE BISKITS ABE aON E 

What are everything? What in the world do you 
mean? That's it. Whatl word, you said everything. 
Yes. Why names? Why? Names are originally a 
thing. You never seen a thing named when first hatched. 
I wuz on my road goin south in the west. I started 
to walk from one R. R. to the other. I got pretty well 
along on my trip, I run onto a young feller in the road, 
that is what they call it in that pioneer country, across 
the plains or a trail we would call it in Missouri. This 
man wuz driving behind a fine bay team of roadsters not 
a automobile but horses real horses, fine trotters, he said 
where are you going,' young man? I says I don'tj know. 
They wuz fine steppers. He said where are you from ? I 
said from Missouri. He thot he had a bonanza then. I 
says did you ever hear of it? Yes, he said. Down there 
where they raise big mules? I said of corse. He wuz 
anxious to inform me as to his official capacity. He said 
he was the sheriff of that Co. I said you don't look it, 
mister. I am he said. I don't dispute it, mister, but you 
don't look it sir. He said he was. I said are you certain 
of it? I said you don't look it. He said he was. I fi- 
nally got him to admit he was the deputy sheriff of that 
Co. Well I said that will do but I knowd you wuz not 
the sheriff of this Co. He asked me to go with him and 
I said have you papers for me? And he said no. And 
I said I am not goin then. Well sir, I wuz glad he didn't 
have. You ought to have seen how he looked. 

I went on south, on, and om and on, went thru 
a fence, wire gate rather, guess it is called, about one half 
quarter of a mile I seen looked like 500 head of cattle 
coming full tilt right out of the valley towarge me, I 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 43 



wuz right close to a litle mound to the right of me that is 
west and my face to the south, my back to the north. Oh 
my how them there cattle did come. First thing popped 
into my mind wuz, did they have horns? Next my re- 
membrance of Patrick Henrys speech in his continental 
congress speech, when he said give me liberty or give me 
death. Next thing wuz. General Lawton when in battle 
in the south war. He said I will be brave. He was too. 
I says to my selfe, I will have to in order to save my life. 
Next thing was to remember my experience on hog ranch 
where I used to handle hogs, because of being an expert 
at it is vv^here I lay a great deal of my outcome to this suc- 
cess or in this fracas. Think of it, the cattle still coming 
I got down on my knees got the valise in my right hand 
and goin after it like I used to on hog ranch driving hogs 
there, get a stick, run forward and then back and forward 
agin. I throwed overcoat over my head, just so I could 
see out of right corner of my right eye, cattle coming at 
full tilt. And pretty soon they broke the other way. I 
felt good, felt at liberty. Then I attributed my thoughts 
and escape and good success on all points at once. Pays 
to read history, don't it? 

I went further on down the valley. I went up or 
met up with one of them awful terrible blizzards. Thats 
what they call them in Nebraska. When it went thru 
me I wuz then overtook with a worse thing than all. Its 
a covered wagon, 2-3-4 or 5 men in it. I wuz scared; 
they asked me to ride, I said ever so much obliged. I 
wuz not on to western fashion. Had several horses behind 
and on the side of the wagon, I thot they had stolen them 
was afraid of complication if I rode. They, I found after- 



44 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

ward they wuz cowboys, merely cowboys. That wuz 
there custom in that country. I wished then I had went 
with the sheriff for safe keeping. 

I went on and first thing was my destination in a 
few hours, I walked right into town, up to the big depot, 
said mister depot man am I at the right winder? He 
laughed and said it will do. He said what will you have ? 
I said everything I can get. Is there any chance getting 
the R. R. I want to get a ticket I says. He says I don't 
know. Which way do you want to go? I said I don't 
know. He said we have a train going west and one going 
east. I said do you own this train ? He said no. Which 
way do you want to go? I saidi I don't know. I asked 
him which train went first. He said tomorrow at ten 
o'clock. Well thats the one I want to go on then. He 
said thats the best I can do. I said I am not surprised. 
I said give me a ticket. He said it wouldnt be good to- 
morrow. I said why? He said stamped for one day. I 
said the court dont talk that way. After we argued the 
law in all of its fazes on this subject finally he asked me 
why I .was so anxious to get a ticket today. I said to him 
I wuz afraid to stay all night with the money. He said 
why? Because I am a stranger. He said where are you 
from? I said none of your bizness but being this is a 
bizness proposition I had better tell you so I said Mo. 
He said we have no niggers out here. No I says, but you 
have Mexicans. 

I read one time of hemispheres. Where? In the 
geography. 

I was asked what zone was ? I said it depends upon 
whether it is sleat or the weather or the ocean zone. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 45 

I was asked by a foreigner in a foreign land if I could 
tell what Mo. wuz worth. I told him, you couldn't guess 
what I told him ? No. Guess would depend upon wheth- 
er politics whether worth noticing. 

Where does jewelry derive its name? Prom jewels. 
What are they? Not corner stores. 

Whats a blackboard made for? For skule children 
not tq spell on. 

I wuz asked what I went to skule for ? I said to fish. 
Fish for what? I said knowledge. 

What is nonsense? Expression of feeling. If you 
are not in the right mood you want to talk nonsense. 

Tell me what a put on sale is. It is supposed to- be 
a cut in prices. 

What are oats? Tame or wild? Tame is variety 
of grain kernel in soft shell. What are wild oats? 
For wild geese to eat. 

Give difference in instruments. One is music, other 
is reduced to writing, then called deed or valuable doc- 
ument. 

Whats a contract for? To support lawyers. 

Tell me what a deed is? A written contract trans- 
fering real estate. 

Whats real estate? A vendors lien. 

Whats chattels? Acknowledgement of promise. 
Does it have to be recorded ? According to what statute 
or state. 

I fell off of a chair reading ten o'clock at night, hurt 
my lip on a spittoon. What kind of law? Law of na- 
ture, I guess. No, law governing the universe. 

Do you have any idea why fish, according to law. 



46 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

minners and small fisli) you are not allowed to catch 
them? So they will get big. 

I asked a preacher and real estate agent combined 
whether any harm to write bizness letters on Sunday? 
He said owing to whether typewritten or not, or with pen. 
Some logic to that. 

I said to a gurl, how are you feeling today? She 
said why? Because the girls ask me that question so 
much I wanted to see how it would sound for me to ask 
and get in the fashion. 

I rode on a merry goround, fell in and got sick, fell 
in skule mams laps in lovers tub, you ought to seen them 
scatter. Proprietor asked me if wanted to stop the swing 
I looked up in his face and said let her go. If in the' 
habit of saying let her go bill would have said let her go 
bill. School mams didn't ask me to ride with them any 
more. 

Do you know why I was desirous of a town educa- 
tion? So I would know something. 

Do you know what a vest is ? It is the same as a 
corset is to a woman. 

What is marriage? It is inscription of life. 

Whats a rule. Its length of capacity. 

One time I bought a watch. What about it? I paid 
fifty cents for it. What else ? Itl wouldn 't run right, it 
would vary 2 or 3 hours . If anyone asked me time of 
day I would not let them see the time and 1 could guess 
at time. I lived in country before telephones. Could 
guess close enough if it should be off 2 or 3 hours. 

How does land sell? By conveyance. What is 
superior in color? Blue. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 47 



"Why do you read? In order to acquire knowledge. 
Whats construction? Its building. Instruction? 
Applying. 

I didn't know tilll the other day what a jitney was, 
and a girl that I seen on train from city was talking 
about how dangerous they wuz. I says tell me what they 
are? She said an automobile. 

Do you know what German millet is ? It is not ally. 

Will you tell me what board of agriculture is? Its 
supervision of farming. 

Horticulture? Its fruit raising. 

Whats difference between long ton and short one? 
200 pounds. 

Was in one of the northern states and the hotel man 
had a kind of confectionery in the front part. I went 
in and proprietor seen I registered from Missouri and ask- 
ed me a few questions. Pretty soon I heard him say in 
low tone of voice, mamma, mamma here is a typical Mis- 
sourian, and he come around and talked to me. Of course 
I used some very brogism words, right smart, a good deal 
a whole lot and a heap, and some one would come in after 
candy and light bread, or something of that sort, and he 
would keep on talking to me. I wuz sure a typical Mis- 
sourian. 

I was coming down from the north and we got to a 
town, I leaned over and said what did the brakeman call 
this place? 1 elevated my voice agin and said what did 
the brakeman call this place? Everyone was afraid of 
exposing their intelligence, no they wasn't, I mean ignor- 
ance. I thought he called it Ague, I thought it was in 
Mo. 



48 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

Was desirous of a education and went to a town to 
go to an academy, found the principal with tanned shoes 
on. That fixed it. 

I knew a feller that was a big guesser on election con- 
tests and guessing of bales of cotton received at ports. 
He quit. Why? Because postmaster general said to, 
wouldn't you? 

I am afraid of snakes. Why? Because they bite. 

Why did some crongressmen vote for 20 to one? 
Because they didn't want dollars big as wagon wheels. 

Why is Alaska wealthy? Because of the output of 
gold. 

How old should you be to vote? Old enough to 
know how dad voted. 

I was asked how much is wool worth? Owing to 
what party is in power. 

What does sugar bring? Under administration 
means an argument. 

Why are hats called panamas? Because of name of 
country. Its becau'se want something big. 

Do you know what the heaviest thing in the world 
is? No. It is weight. 

Do you know what wait means? Losing of oppor- 
tunity. 

Say, a feller said what is metropolis? Its something 
superior. 

What is a specie of watermelon? A citron. Citrus? 
Is a specie of orange. I learned this from farming and 
orange from listening to land agents talking gulf coast 
country. 

What is a catchy add? Attractive. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 49 

What do you think of this add, as follows : Schemer 
bill found where? In southwest Mo. of course, on south- 
ern slope of Flannagans hill beat Schemer bill to the fine 
farms directly north of the hill that Louis Browning of 
Lowry City, Mo. has for sale so cheap. Send for descrip- 
tive list. 

California oranges wont compare with the magnifi- 
cent west Mo. farms. 

What is water worth ? In dry times pleasure. 

What is lagoon? Flat land, artificial soil contained 
by lagoon. 

What is land worth? What the buyer will give for it. 

Why are blue eyes pretty? Because of the scarcity. 

Why do you patronize a fotografer? Because you 
desire beauty. 

Did you know there wuz money stall feedin cattle? 
No, I never knowed a man to- make money feedin cattle. 
He says, what are you talking about? I says feedin cattle. 
He said I have known lots of men get rich feedin cattle. 
I never did. He was anxious to have my reason. I says 
he makes it off of the hogs. 

What is children's children's children? Relatives. 

What is equator? Dividing line. 

Will you tell me why automobiles are called cars? 
Because people want to imagine they are R. R. owners, 
and individually inclined to be somethin big. 

Why are there so many automobiles? In order to 
keep up with the new departures. 

What is a departure? Used to be a cultivator, now 
from the old way to the new way. 

Why do you not see chain harness any more ? Because 
automobiles come down. 



50 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 



I found a gnrl one time in the north. She said she 
had broken 5 engagements in her life. I said what do 
you call that? She said she wuz to be married. I says 
wuz you? She said no, thats what I am telling you, I 
got out. 

I was ridin along in a city on one of them there street 
cars and over seen a woman say to a man she knowed 
but hadn 't seen him till this mornin for so many years. 
He asked her what kind of time she had put thru? And 
she said the only pleasure she had had for 26 years wuz 
raisin 6 children. 

A old woman wuz tellin she had wun a premium for 
her grandchildren one time. I says thats nothin. I 
have a baby brother that wun a premium at a colt show 
when he wuz a baby. 

A person told me trains wuz dangerous years ago. 
I said aint horses? 

Other day somebody said trains were dangerous. 
I said aint automobiles? 

I don't wear neckties because am afraid of striped 
necktie Would imagine there is a snake at my throat. 

A feller told me he had hauled as high as 6 calves 
in a wagon. I said how? He said stood them up inside 
the wagon on the inside of the side bords and tied there 
tails together, fell out and run. How did he get them 
tails loose ? Shot them loose with a shot gun. You ought 
to seen him shootin them there calves tails loose. 

I wuz stayin in a hotel. One mornin I asked back 
in the kitchen to the girls, I want some live water, I have 
bin drinkin that dead water long enough in that there 
tank in dinin room. 



T HE BISKITS ARE GONE 51 

Tell me why children likes sweet things? Because 
candy needs its place. 

What is appearance? Well met. 

What of slender person? If fleshy an appearance. 

What did barb wire do for your country? I cant 
tell you I cant guess. Raise the price of prairie land. 
Where? Where your forefathers bought it at $1.25 an 
acre. ^ _ 

I knowed a gurl I used to think of capturing. Her 
name wuz Cranky. She got married. In one perticular 
I didn't get Cranky, in the other I did get cranky. 

What is romance ? One that falls in love with what ? 
What I call natural scenery. 

Who understands reminescence ? One that* remem- 
bers ancient trails and not the pines, but makes the pio- 
neer lonesome for pleasures sake used to be desire of 
some people to go to Europe, now most of peoples desire 
for pleasure is to go automobiling. 

Guess I am queer because I want to know who the 
engineer is before I step into a car. 

You have heard all kinds of stories about automobiles 
Why? Because they are on the peoples minds. 

What do you hear when you see drummers together 
as a rule? Talkin about hotels and R. Rs. connections. 
Only election years when they are informational bureau. 

What is strife? Common laborers in contact with 
each other. The President at the helm 

Difference between steam engine and gasoline ? One 
is natural, the other condensed. 

I come up from the south and into Arkansas and 
found a town where I stopped at. And first thing tio- 



52 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

ticed wuz 2 purty gurls. I felt alright then and wuzn't 
homesick at all after that while in Arkansas. At edges 
of the platform a man said will you go to a dollar day 
house ? I says I just got off of that train there. He said 
he knew it. Yes I says I did. He kept answering me. 
I says I am asleep yet. Well I am awake now mister. 
I says please step into the light here so I can see if yo/u 
are a nigger or not. I says yes I will go with you. He 
said for me to give him my grip and I said which) one? 
He said your satchel. He took me, he introduced me to 
all of them in there to the; baby, there wuz land buyers 
there frum Rode Hand to Delaware. I felt at home, they 
insisted me on a game of pitch. I said I don't know- 
how to play pitch, mister, before I eat anything, I don't 
know how to play pitch, mister, but know what a game of 
chance is mister. He said that is what this is. I said I 
thought I played it when I got off. 

I wuz up to a skule town in June, last days of Jline 
when students wuz goin home, and on Sunday sun shiny 
morning the larks and birds and all kinds of insects wuz 
singin so sweet in the mountains thrillin voices of all 
kinds of things penetrating thru the ears. I heard a 
purty Arkansas gurl say as you ever seen, say to a man 
friend, of course they all have in skule, and a lady friend 
of hers too, said I wont be as pretty as I am now when,^ I 
get home cuttin sprouts. I said to myselfe, gurl what do 
you mean, do you cut sprouts? Shore enough when the 
train went south she went on it. I give it up, guess she 
wuz right. 

I heard of a street fair out west, they call them car- 
nivals out there. Wuz automobile premiums and no 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 53 

horse premiums. Now you see why your pastures are not 
in demand. Now tell me horses wont stay up. Where? 
On the turf. 

Its queer a horse and mule is so different, queer 
you and me are different, but we are. 

Whats reason people go crazy over baseball? For 
the reason of science. Then tell me if the same does not 
apply to auto craze. 

Why does some people like melodious music and 
others prize fighting? Difference is between rough and 
smooth. 

The first thing a girl learns now a days is to say cer- 
tainly, next thing, who is that fellow across the st., next 
what is the name of that car? Dont care anything about 
the name of Burbank or Ohio potatoes, whether Burbanks 
or Ohio or Peach Blows, or whether the chickens are dom- 
inacks or Buff Coachen, that don't enter their minds as a 
rule wdth some gurls. That which is developing to the 
industrial mind is discarded. 

Whats Oak? Its not pine. 

Wonder what hard finish is? Its not soft. 

Whats a carpenter? He's a carver, he cuts and tries. 

Whats destruction? Everlasting. 

What does a deaf and dum person do when you ques- 
tion them when he is begging? Get mad. 

I think I knowed a gurl that wanted to go up in the 
air? Because I heard her say she wished she was a bird. 

Do you know why I had ratheir have a gurl in Ark- 
ansas than Iowa ? No, why ? I could get to her quicker, 
why run down over the Iron Mountain. 

What is war? Where a band of fellers is fighting. 
What is scrapping? Individually. 



54 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

Skirmishing? Where they are trying to get keyed 
up to fight. 

Had a chance to go with a show. What wuz you to 
do? Water the elephants, and zebras and giraffe if had 
time. 

A feller asked, said like this, how old is yourj state ? 
Since 1821. 

When out west wuz asked my nationality. I said 
natural bo'rnd Missourian. The only question that cut 
them off every time. 

A feller one time said to another, what tribe you be- 
long to? He said the anti-period race. 

Was surprised when down south, found a federal 
cemetry. 

I found no Indians much in Mo. a man said to me 
comin through. I said reason, no Indians settled there. 

Why is it dark one half of the time ? In order to rest. 

Whats function? Life. What do you call a story? 
Owing to how main it is. , What do mean by main Ow- 
ing to how near the channel of truth it is. 

If you wuz in a uptodate place and didn't know what 
cranberries was and wanted them how would you call for 
them? Pass the fruit. 

Whats the difference between a Kentucky horse and 
any other horse ? They are faster. 

May I ask this question?- Whats the difference 
between northern gurl and others ? the name. 

Why is Kentucky such a bluegrass state t Because 
of the leputation. 

I ha\e watched politicians corrie and go ever sincol 
was 10 years old. Do you know v/hat them there poli- 



THE BISKITS ABE GONE 55 

ticians remind me of? A auctioneer, last so long, run 
there race in a very short time. 

What is education based upon? They will tell you 
grades. Knowledge based upon grades sometimes. 

What is answer goin to be? Chap, what books are 
you in at skule ? 9 out of ten will tell you what grade he 
is in. 

Do you know how to tell if a boy will amount to any- 
thing or not? If he has his pants cut straight off at the 
bottom and wears no standing collar he will mean some- 
thing, but if he has a band or something of the sort 
around his pants it is off. 

Give me the definition to this? All right. Differ- 
ence between exposition and expostf acto ? One is'a show 
the other is original law. 

I have heard all my life of hill billys in the south, 
So have I heard all my life of billy goats in the north. 

What is a statute? An inscription staturally erect- 
ed of a being. 

I -want to know what a statute is called? The law. 

What is ink? Fluid. What is a pencil? Lead. 

Whats a man? Walking creature. Whats a cre- 
ature? Humanity, all sex. 

What is heat? Atmosphere in warm condition. 

What is a cyclone? Compressed air. A hurrycane? 
Forerunner of a cyclone to warn people. 

What is compilation? Statistics. 

What is statistics? Data collected. 

What is old stamps? Not new ones. 

What are new stamps? An inch square. 

If you ask some people if they have a good title to 



56 THE BISKITS ARE GONE ^ 

their land and they will invariably tell you they have be- 
cause they have an abstract. It merely tells whether 
good title or not. 

I asked a intelligent looking man how he would trade 
his farm for another I had for trade? He said I will 
trade mine clear and consume your clients mortgage. 
Wouldn't he bin a sight after eatin it up? 

What is a blowed up sucker? A man that consumes 
mortgages. 

Who is a practioneer? A boy asked. Here ans: 
One that practices on any subject. 

What is alfalfa? Growing vegetation. 

What is vegetation? Mixture of growth. 

Do you know why mohairi is so high in price ? Ow- 
ing to insufficient number of goats. 

Why is ginseng so high? Because only grows in 
the north. 

Another day or so ago wuz asked if we paid for the 
Philippines? I think so, wait I will write to find out, no 
use of that, will ask some skule boy. 

Do you know why a phamphlet isi called a circular? 
It circulates. 

What is magnetism? Condensed feeling. 

Do you know why there are premiums on old coins? 
Because are rare. 

Why are people wild over air ships? So can see 
sights below. 

What is amusement? Ask what fun is. 

What is universal? General. 

What is speaking ?Utterance. 

What is a cantaloupe ? Not a envelope. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 57 

What is a gulf? Not land. 

What is land? One fourth, geographically speaking. 

A feller said he was a foreigner. I said hows that, 
aint you a Missourian bornd? He said yes, I will tell 
you. Tell it. I descended from a foreign country, he 
says. I said I see, you can do that. 

Whats a sowin machine? Not a cuttin machine. 

What is a pony? Stunted horse. 

One time one of them, there fellers that preach in 
meetins wuz at our house and staid all nite. The meetin 
feller that preaches to congregations wanted to shave. 
He says to Pa. I says shave who, the bruthern? Pa 
says shave his selfe. Say it wuz a site to see that meetin 
feller shave, I mean strap the mug, you ought to seen him 
strap that mug, and strap, and strap it, and strap it. Pa 
says it wouldnt lather. Pa had give him beeswax insted 
of soap. The preacher just kept on shaving his whis- 
kers. 

One Thanksgivin day I was ridin a stick horse and 
Pa and the folks wu^ gettin ready co go to Thanksgivin 
preachin, and I all at once says to Pa theres no use to go 
out there,. Pa says why? I says because the president 
has not give us good crops and I wouldnt go out there and 
thank him. He had issued some kind of doins called 
prockermashun. Pa says the President hasnt anything 
to do with the crops. I says why? Because he hasn't* 
I says haint you goii\ to thank him for the crops? Pa 
says no. And I still insisted that he should not go and 
thank the President for the crops. 

I wuz in the north one time and got into a argument 
with a Irishman, I am satisfied it wuz now a Irishman. 



58 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 



He got to braggin on the Norwegians and I commenced 
runnin them down, and I called them down trodden race 
or set in order to see him faunch. He says the ones I 
know ^re not that kind. And I says well of corse I don't 
know much about them as I have lived in Mo. all my life 
and I says they are below the Missourians and you know 
wiiat that brought. He just kept sayin the ones he knew 
wuz not that kind. He got mad and talked awful hard 
to me and Said the ones I^know are not that kind. I fi- 
nally says where are the ones you knowed? He said in 
Wisconsin. I says where is that? And he did look fun- 
ny then, he*,didnt understand me. I says where in Wis- 
consin ? He named over the country where they are and 
says they are different to the kind I knowed. I says what 
are there names? And he said therci is several of them. 
One of them runs thrashers up in Minnesota. He never 
did tell me there given names, he wuz so mad. Finally I 
had fun enough. I says after questioning him so close 
to who they wuz. He said are you acquainted up there? 
I says no, I never wuz in Wisconsin. I says I will tell 
you how I know them there Norwegians, they are my rel- 
atives. He quit braggin on Norwegians. 

I was asked what a aircastle wuz? I says it is be- 
yond real castles. 

Whats a zenith in land, I wuz asked ? I says its be- 
yond temptation in prices. 

What is a removal sale, I was asked ? Here is my an- 
swer: Its where they want to move them. 

I used to fish when wuz goin to skule with a pin for 
hook. Why? Because didnt have a fish hook 

I used to like to see that there old speckled cow when 
young. Why? Because they wuz rare. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 59 



Do you know what elections reminds me of? No, 
what is it? Difference in minds. 

What is ideas? If soft idea it is imbued; and if 
strong idea it is opinion. 

What is matchless? Divorce. No. What then? 
Not even two. 

What is flat? Circumstances, it points to the facts 
bluntly. 

Do you know what black oak reminds me of? No, 
what is it ? Its distinguishments of collors of oak. 

A person asked me what a picturesque is ? I says it is 
a picture in a pictorial scene. 

Was once asked what tax is? It is demand based up- 
on principle. 

I was asked what fiction is ? And here is my answer : 
Its halfway truth. 

What is receiving the mitten? Its whether from a 
gurl or a Christmas present. 

What is an up-to-date expression? Dignified. 

Wuz a feller wanted to know of me what a relin- 
quishment was out west? It is where they want to go 
back east to see there wifes folks a great many times. 

Do you know where I like to board the best? No, 
where? Where skule mams board. Why? Because 
more fruit to^ eat. 

A feller wantd to know the difference in east and 
west? What is it? Territory? No. What is it then? 
Votes. 

Do you know how to come off of a jury? No, you 
mean before you get on a jury? Yes. How? To state 
to the lawyers that you are one sided. 



60 THE BISKITS ABE GONE 

One time I was boar din at a hotel in a north state 
and I wiiz lookin at a register and lookin for a mans name 
and couldnt find it and/ said in a mind of muddle that. I 
guess he wuz here last October or Nov. I didn't know 
but wuz before Christmas and a awful purty gurl wuz 
ieanin or ruther standin on the back of a chair in the par- 
lor, and said to me with a smile of purty complexion, 
Don't you know when Christmas comes, with the looks 
of her faca? and in 2 or three days after this I went into 
hotel where the fine staturally Blondie blue wuz, and she 
says, Say? I says mam. She said say, don't you know when 
Christmas comes, and I says no mam. She said I thought 
you wuz joking. She says if you dont know I will tell 
you, but she said now are you joking? I says you 

know that I know that I dont know when it comes She 
says if you dont know dont actually know then I will tell 
you. I says you know that I know that I dont know 
anything. She says I will. I says hold on. She says 
what is it? I says where are you from? She says Mo. 
I says I am not surprised. She says. I says hold on. 
She says what is it ? I says what is ,your name ? She 
says smarty. I says I thought so, I says what is your 
occupation ? She said her pa wuz a clergyman. I says 
I have heard of them there fellers, they operate on sick 
people. She says no they don't. I says why? She said 
I mean preachers. I says I thought clergyman wuz a doe- 
tor. She said say. Now I says what is it ? If ^you dont 
know when Christmas comes then I will tell you. I says 
I dont, you know that I know that I, dont know anything. 
She wuz f eelin sympathetic for me and said I will tell you 
then if you don't know. I says tell it then. It comes on 



THE BI SKITS ARE GONE 61 

the 25th day of December. I says every per annum. She 
said she dont know what that is. I says yearly. She said 
yes. That, is my experience when Christmas comes. 

One harvest I went to the N. W. to harvest and I got 
up a trade with a man that owned a hardware store val- 
ued at $30,000 including the buildings. He was giving 
me $500.00 on that side for commission and I arranged 
the deal through a manipulation of letters between that 
man and the owner of a 600 acre farm in Mo. and when 
harvest wuz over I wuz to meet a friend of his at a 
certain town to come back with me to Mo. and look at 
the Mo. farm. I wuz to get off and see him at the bag- 
gage car while the train stopped for breakfast. I asked 
him if his name was Limson and he said it wuz and he 
turned out to be a Jand agent right that wuz a p'artner 
with the man that had him as his friend to meet me and 
come home with me to see the land. When we got in the 
R. R. car Mr. Limson introduced me to two other land 
agents that wuz out in Dakota from the east trying to buy 
a $^0,000 ranch from Mr. Limson. I f«^lt lllvt* a mosqui- 
to would by the side of a giraffe. They turned the seats 
over together and made what we call in Mo. a double 
seat so there could be 4 land agents together. They wuz 
dressed in morning suits and had on diamonds. I had on 
a shirt I think, no vest or* coat, ganted up, small for my 
size anyway, ganted to a loss of 19 pounds, making me 
look and feel about the same. Mr. Limson said to me has 
this man Jansen in Mo. ever seen the hardware and build- 
ing? I says nope. He said is he depending on you for the 
representation of it? I says yes, I guess so. He said I don't 
know whether' to go with you or not to Mo. I felt in a 



62 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

imbarrisin persition. I knowed what that meant. I just 
riz up out of my cushion seat and said Mr. Limson, he 
said what is it ? I says — he says what is it ? I wuz tryin 
to span, I mean expan my stomaek, and stuck out my 
stomaek as fur as I could possibly stick it, and rared 
back on my dignities and says, Mr. Limson, I want to tell 
you that you will find that farm in Mo. as described as 
its in Jansens letter. He said I will go with you thenu 
Now you see what appearance amounts to. Them there 
diamonds "hurt my eyes. I took the headache and would- 
n't talk to him while on the train. Thats my experience 
on a land deal. 

A boy told me he had the itch and sent off for a box 
of salve of some kind and when he got it he had directions 
telling him how to use it, and it said to wash off the pers- 
piration, and he washed off all of the salve that he put 
on the minute he applied it and thought the salve wuz 
the perspiration. 

One night I wuz in a hotel in my younger days and 
they put me in a bed big enough for 3 and there wuz a 
thing at the head looked like a cupboard but had no 
dishes. The bed shook and I was afraid it would come 
down on me and I changed ends so it would not ketch my 
head and next mornin I put the piller^ back at the head 
and the clerk asked me how I slept, and I says fine after 
I got fixed. 

If you want to answer people talk to strangers. 

If you want' to build castles go up in the air on top 
of a presipice. 

I knowed a feller, he was a southerner, that sold his 
real estate bizness for $1,000 and the southerner wanted 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 63 

to buy a file and did for 35 cents and the man said that 
bought the business he said that file cost me $999.65. The 
southerner said what are you talking about? The buyer 
said the file. The southerner said that file didnt cost you 
anything. He said how do you figure that out? The 
buyer had bought the business, by this time had been a 
year. The buyer said that file which is a list is all I 
got, and thirtyfive cents from $1,000 leaves nine hundred 
and ninety-nine dollars and sixty-five cents. The south- 
erner laughed the wiser. 

What is justice, a feller asked? An officer. 

What is pop, a boy asked ? And here is the farmers 
answer: My sonny, its a automobile puncture. 

The difference between mountain and mountains is 
single and continuance. 

In what respect, a feller says to me, is a school mam 
and a school teacher alike? I says instructiveness. 

I went down south and heard a feller say that 
clerks in one of them there dry goods stores down there 
say, he was waitin on a lady once and she was tryin id 
buy a skirt waist and he said the lady had looked at ev- 
erything about in that store and away up high on a shelf 
he says to her here is the last bolt. She had looked at all 
of them and she said she was jist lookin fer her sister, 
and the clerk said he didnt know but what her sister was 
behind that piece. 

A feller asked me what a bureau is? Well, I says, 
there is two, one is a place to put linen and the other is 
a place to file statistics. 

What is statistics? Two or three kinds, one is 
knowledge. 



64 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

I was asked what parasol wuz 1 My answer wuz : 
two souls paired off to get under whats called a parasol. 

Whats a parachute? A chute that gets on a par or 
certain level in hight. 

I was asked what rocky mountain tea is? Its name 
of tea that no doubt in my mind* derived the name from 
rocky mountains. 

I was asked why not is the ocean called o-she-an in- 
stead of oshan ? Because New Orleans is called New- 
Or-le-ans. 

Why was the two oceans called Atlantic and Pacific ? 
Other reasons, but one is alphabetically speaking. At- 
lantic comes first beings its the oldest and a comes before 
b. 

I asked what is service? That is where a person is 
served. Some people get wrong conception of service. 
Call it service if good. 

Now it is service if good or not good. 

Do you know the difference between a cider mill 
and a cigar factory? Its the odor. 

I knowed a feller to hire a hand from Mo. to work 
for him in Colorado and the wind wuz blowin a gale over 
the dale in the vale, and Mr. Flinn, owner of the farm, 
and horses too, went out to the field where the hired hand 
wuz plowin with one of them there up-to-date machines 
where there is several of them there cups for oil, and 
owner had intrusted the hand to oil them there cups 
every three or four rounds, and Mr. Plinn asked the Mo. 
boy how often he oiled the plow? and the hand says 
every two or three rounds. And Mr. Flinn said he didnt 
think he did, and the hand said well, I will tell you, Mr. 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 65 



Flinn, the Mr. Flinn said tell it then. He studered. That 
hand said I will tell you, Mr. Flinn, the wind is blowing 
so hard that its blowed the oil out of them there cups. 
The hand went on singin and whistlin. And Mr. Flinn 
left him and said no more about oilin that plow. 

There are habits we should form and habits we 
should not form.' Yfhat are they? Ones we do form 
should not form, and ones we do not form are the ones 
we should form a great many times. Exceptions some- 
times. 

Do you know when a new married couple will not 
come out? No, when? When they charivari them and 
stay in. 

What are chickens good for? To eat. Ai^other 
kind? What are them there kind gool for? To make 
dates. 

I was conrsponcin with a awful purty gurl in the 
east and wrote to her and it was in hot weather and told 
her what day I would be over to see her. That is what 
they call makin dates, I reckon. I told her I would be 
there on that day it if wuznt so hot that the heat would- 
n't kill the chickens. 

I was writin to a purty gurl one time in Kentucky 
and she wrote and would keep tellin me how she enjoyed 
horse back ridin, and I wrote and told her she reminded 
me of Senator Adams, and she writ back and wanted to 
know why 1 I wrote her back and says this is why : Be- 
cause accordin to history. Senator Adams went horse back 
ridin ever mornin before breakfast. She never writ me 
any more about horse back ridin. 

I was tellin a girl once that a year old chap I call a 



66 THE BISKITS ARE GON E 

yearling, and she asked me what a chap two years old is? 
I said a two-year-old, and she then was anxious to know 
what a chap less than a year old is ? And my answer was 
a suckling. 

I was in a strange town and passed by a lot of young 
boys, and one of them there boy^says or spoke to me in 
the right way. I had my mind on other things besides 
chaps, an-d he said to the other brats, after I had passed 
him, he says he is deaf and dum and cant hear nuthin. 

Was asked what a dictionary wuz. I says a guid- 
ance of ignorance. 

Was asked what tadpoles wuz? I says what boys 
fish after. 

I was out in another state once and seen a boy work- 
in for a rancher in Nebraska. And this boy was from 
grand old Mo. and the boy would call the cows in that 
old Missouri fashion, would say soke, soke, soke, and 
sook, sook, sook, and the cows wouldnt pay any attention 
to him, and the rancher and hired men sure had a time 
out of this Missouri hand. And he would call the hogs 
also in that old Missouri style, too, hogy, hogy, hogy, 
and the hogs wouldnt come and he would say pig, pig, 
pig, and they wouldnt come. And they got him to say 
peg, peg, peg, and they come, and so he got so he could 
call hogs so they would come and they told him how to> 
call the cows to say ha-baw, ha-baw, ha-baw, ha-baw, and 
the cows come. He would try to call the horses and he 
would call them horses like we do down here in Mo. and 
he would call like this: Cope, cope, cope, cope, and they 
wouldnt come, and the rancher told him to say comp, 
come, come, and to ca]l the names of the horses and mules 



THE BISKITS ARE GONE 67 

and he got so he could finally call the horses. Rancher 
had one old mare, named Molly, and boy would say come 
Molly, come Molly, and get your alfalfa, come Molly, and 
get your alfalfa, like the rancher told him to call, and 
Molly come. 

When I was a boy I used to hear them call some kind 
of fixtures mahogana, and I thought till growed up that 
they had some kind of new hogs in other countries and 
later I found its what you call furniture, common furni- 
ture in a house. 

I used to want to go to Baltimore. A feller says to 
me one time what do you want to go back there for ? The 
most people want to go out to the west instead of east. 
I says to go to the dances. He said they dont h'ave any 
more dances in the east or Baltimore than any other 
places. I says yes they do. He said why? I says from 
the name of Baltimore. He said they dont have any more 
dances than any other place its size. I says nope. He 
said then why is Baltimore noted for dances ? I says 
from the name of the ball, which is a dance in Mo. and 
thought a ball in the east. 

Do you know what Delaware reminds me of? Nope, 
what? Dell washing the dish-ware. 

A boy asked his father what the difference is between 
a state paper and a county paper, and here is dad's an- 
swer: Denominated by population. 

A feller asked another the difference between 
a magazine you buy on the train and the one in the guns ? 
Here is his answer: One is loaded with dynamite and 
the other is loaded with air. 

Do you know the usual thought of a boy 15 years old ? 



68 THE BISKITS ARE GONE 

Its shave. The same question; asked of a girl? In June 
its a flower. 

One time in one of the southern states where I was 
stayin one time a judge of the higher court wuz takin 
dinner with me and as we wuz leavin the dinin room in 
the hotel where I take my abode intinually, I says to the 
waitress in order to amuse the judge and girl too, I says 
goodbye, and she smiled. Thats what I call a girl smilin 
before the judge. 

Writer is in the real estate business at above town, 
100 miles south east of Kansas City, Mo., on Frisco, & 
K. C. C. & S. R. R. S. 

If you are thinking of buying a farm then buy your 
ticket to Lowry City, Mo., stop and see him. He will be 
glad to entertain you if he can't sell you land. He 
has land for sale most any size farm in various counties 
and does not confine the land business to one county 
and state. Stop and see him. Write him a letter before 
you start so he will be there. 

40 acres up to 1600 acres, in single body. He has 
trading propositions. 

Real Estate Agent 
LOUIS E. BROWNING 
Lowry City, Mo. 
100 miles southeast of Kansas City, Mo. 






